Nzdworld
Best of Valcee 2018
#Top 70 rants…
.
1.Girls sometimes take your phone, call him, tell him you are coming over. then switch off your phone and sleep.
Let him clean his house, some guys are lazy😒
.
2.Qstn: Your Dad was arrested, you won 25 million and police requested 24 million for his bail. Will you bail him?
Me: Nelson Mandela went to Prison and became the president, I am not tampering with my Dad’s destiny
.
3. One guy posts on Facebook
“Wrestling is really stupid, how can men with
pants fight for a belt? where would they tie the
belt?”
And I commented: if u think wrestling is stupid, wat about football where 22 men with two balls each run after a ball and after getting it, they kick it awaay.
Wat Nonsense
.
4. My M.C.S ( Man Crush Sunday) goes to all the girls with hairs on their chest. You are like a brother to me
.
5. Are you a girl?
Are you tall, fair, nice shaped?
Are you dark with pointed nose?
Are you beautiful?
And you are intelligent?
Do your parents love you so much??
Your father will still exchange you for Goat, yams, drinks…
Big Sis, Be humble
.
6. Long Vac loading…my problem now is that our neighbour with ugly daughters that like calling me her in-law😡
.
7.I used to like my roommate until he put password on his WiFi
.
8. A man returns a book to the library, banged it on the counter and yelled, “I read this entire novel; there are too many names of people and no story at all!”
The Librarian looks up and responds,
“Idiot! So you were the one who took the Attendance book?”😂😂
.
9. The way ATM throws out my card these days after withdrawing #500 is very disrespectful, the other day i had to pick my card from the floor
.
10. I love my six packs so much, so i protect it with layer of fats😎
.
11. After all the gyming one slim girl will push you with one finger and you fall on the bed. Just one finger. Bro who are you deceiving?
.
12. Dating a Church girl is very nice and cool, until you tell her “baby open nah” and she replies ” what verse?”😆
.
13. I have just finished eating and my very good friend just walked in.
Is God not wonderful😀
.
14. The best way to win an argument is by having mouth odour, once you open your mouth, you will see everyone nodding to everything you say.
.
15. I shifted her panties and took off my boxers.
I hate spreading clothes where girls spread theirs😡
.
16. Being poor and fat is like a suicide mission.
You will be hungry and no one will bliv you
.
17. Meanwhile i am still looking for a girl her father will say, Take this 10 million and leave my daughter alone
.
18. Honestly i can’t believe i was born naked, so those nurses saw my d!ck
.
19. I wonder if dey use curry and thyme to make
perfumes nowadays
a girl sitting beside me smells like Jollof Rice
Now I’m Hungry
.
20. Surviving in Nigeria is not easy….
Someone online wants to sell fridge with no door, he’s convincing me to use curtain
.
21. On judgement day
They should arrange like 10,000 angels that will
separate fight between yahoo boys and white women
.
22. Why i am still single
Double heart attack message from my babe
1st SMS: Lets do blood covenant or it s over.
2nd SMS: Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! Val, That was not for you.
.
23. I think i hv seen it all, untill i saw one slay queen eating cheese balls with fork.
.
24. Can’t wait to have my own kids so i can tell them the story of my life…How i used to be very serious with my studies while in school, how i never miss a single lecture, always in the front seat, always asn question in class and how i don’t used to look at girls
Dnt look at me that way izzi your story?
.
25. All these girls wey dey snatch peoples boyfriends…
Una no dey see me?
.
26. Guys with big head don’t dream at night, they watch full movies.
Make i no call name shaa
.
27. My Sister Big Bumbum with ugly face is like Public Holiday on
a Saturday
It’s a Waste
.
28. some girls with black lipstick be looking like puppy
.
29. I wanted to send an sms to my girlfriend and it mistakenly went to my landlady. My landlady responded immediately “i hv been holding my self for quite too long. I love you too,pls stop paying rent”
Is God not wonderful?
.
30. Well Omalicha, dating two guys ain’t a problem o, at all…
The problem is when one wants it shaved and the other wants it hairly
.
31. I thought I was very bad in biology until a friend told me that Aquatic animals are Animals from Akwa Ibom.
.
32. “I miss you “
“I miss you too”
National anthem of long distance relationship.
.
33. Can you imagine my neighbour called police bcos her chicken was stolen.?
Chicken that is not even sweet. Mtcheeew.
.
34.That awkward moment wen a sharaton hotel attendant tells you a bottle of coke is #1500, you see your self describing coke like, ..”i mean coke o, d non alcoholic one…not cocaine, the soft drink with red cover, d one cocacola company produce.
.
35. Guys that brag about six packs should
start wearing crop top nah.
Sense…
.
36. Just becos she called u last night n said sleep like a baby my love.
Doesn’t mean you should urinate on the bed
.
37. This life is really hard and crazy
You dreamt you have a car you wake up, you have nothing…
You dreamt you have money. When you wake up, you have nothing…
But try to dream you are urinating, that’s when you know that dreams come true.
.
38. Only slim girls are qualified to say “i am taken”
If you are fat, i mean fat, let me hear you say “Ayam Carried”
.
39. In my country you will be telling somebody something and he will be replying ” …i am telling you ”
Biko who is telling who?
.
40. What is the English word you disagree with it’s spelling. Mine is *choir* is a lie Na Kwaya
.
41. Dating fat orobo girl will make you feel like you are double dating.
.
42. From today I will be
sleeping with salt under
my pillow, am tired of
eating tasteless food in
my dream
.
43. Hard guy hard guy
But when you see a mad man coming ur way with a stick, you switch to the other lane
.
44. Short boys with back pack be looking like tortoise.
.
45. Short fat boys with dread be looking like pineapple.
.
46. Thing girls with scattered hair be looking like mop.
.
47. I bought a yoghurt for the girl sitting beside me in a bus, we exchanged numbers, from the corner of my eyes i saw her save my number with ” Yoghurt man”.
I collected my yoghurt back, Nonsense!
.
48. I don’t know why i like carrying little kids, especially those holding lacasera and gala.
They always look lovely
.
49. Omalicha i am asking you for a dinner and you are telling me you have a boyfriend, is your boyfriend hungry?
.
50. One Advantage of dating a fat girl is that you can hide behind her when you see someone you are owing.
.
51. Women are the best goalkeepers, bcos no matter what you do the balls never go in
Ifyouknwyouknw
#Top 70 rants…
.
1.Girls sometimes take your phone, call him, tell him you are coming over. then switch off your phone and sleep.
Let him clean his house, some guys are lazy😒
.
2.Qstn: Your Dad was arrested, you won 25 million and police requested 24 million for his bail. Will you bail him?
Me: Nelson Mandela went to Prison and became the president, I am not tampering with my Dad’s destiny
.
3. One guy posts on Facebook
“Wrestling is really stupid, how can men with
pants fight for a belt? where would they tie the
belt?”
And I commented: if u think wrestling is stupid, wat about football where 22 men with two balls each run after a ball and after getting it, they kick it awaay.
Wat Nonsense
.
4. My M.C.S ( Man Crush Sunday) goes to all the girls with hairs on their chest. You are like a brother to me
.
5. Are you a girl?
Are you tall, fair, nice shaped?
Are you dark with pointed nose?
Are you beautiful?
And you are intelligent?
Do your parents love you so much??
Your father will still exchange you for Goat, yams, drinks…
Big Sis, Be humble
.
6. Long Vac loading…my problem now is that our neighbour with ugly daughters that like calling me her in-law😡
.
7.I used to like my roommate until he put password on his WiFi
.
8. A man returns a book to the library, banged it on the counter and yelled, “I read this entire novel; there are too many names of people and no story at all!”
The Librarian looks up and responds,
“Idiot! So you were the one who took the Attendance book?”😂😂
.
9. The way ATM throws out my card these days after withdrawing #500 is very disrespectful, the other day i had to pick my card from the floor
.
10. I love my six packs so much, so i protect it with layer of fats😎
.
11. After all the gyming one slim girl will push you with one finger and you fall on the bed. Just one finger. Bro who are you deceiving?
.
12. Dating a Church girl is very nice and cool, until you tell her “baby open nah” and she replies ” what verse?”😆
.
13. I have just finished eating and my very good friend just walked in.
Is God not wonderful😀
.
14. The best way to win an argument is by having mouth odour, once you open your mouth, you will see everyone nodding to everything you say.
.
15. I shifted her panties and took off my boxers.
I hate spreading clothes where girls spread theirs😡
.
16. Being poor and fat is like a suicide mission.
You will be hungry and no one will bliv you
.
17. Meanwhile i am still looking for a girl her father will say, Take this 10 million and leave my daughter alone
.
18. Honestly i can’t believe i was born naked, so those nurses saw my d!ck
.
19. I wonder if dey use curry and thyme to make
perfumes nowadays
a girl sitting beside me smells like Jollof Rice
Now I’m Hungry
.
20. Surviving in Nigeria is not easy….
Someone online wants to sell fridge with no door, he’s convincing me to use curtain
.
21. On judgement day
They should arrange like 10,000 angels that will
separate fight between yahoo boys and white women
.
22. Why i am still single
Double heart attack message from my babe
1st SMS: Lets do blood covenant or it s over.
2nd SMS: Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! Val, That was not for you.
.
23. I think i hv seen it all, untill i saw one slay queen eating cheese balls with fork.
.
24. Can’t wait to have my own kids so i can tell them the story of my life…How i used to be very serious with my studies while in school, how i never miss a single lecture, always in the front seat, always asn question in class and how i don’t used to look at girls
Dnt look at me that way izzi your story?
.
25. All these girls wey dey snatch peoples boyfriends…
Una no dey see me?
.
26. Guys with big head don’t dream at night, they watch full movies.
Make i no call name shaa
.
27. My Sister Big Bumbum with ugly face is like Public Holiday on
a Saturday
It’s a Waste
.
28. some girls with black lipstick be looking like puppy
.
29. I wanted to send an sms to my girlfriend and it mistakenly went to my landlady. My landlady responded immediately “i hv been holding my self for quite too long. I love you too,pls stop paying rent”
Is God not wonderful?
.
30. Well Omalicha, dating two guys ain’t a problem o, at all…
The problem is when one wants it shaved and the other wants it hairly
.
31. I thought I was very bad in biology until a friend told me that Aquatic animals are Animals from Akwa Ibom.
.
32. “I miss you “
“I miss you too”
National anthem of long distance relationship.
.
33. Can you imagine my neighbour called police bcos her chicken was stolen.?
Chicken that is not even sweet. Mtcheeew.
.
34.That awkward moment wen a sharaton hotel attendant tells you a bottle of coke is #1500, you see your self describing coke like, ..”i mean coke o, d non alcoholic one…not cocaine, the soft drink with red cover, d one cocacola company produce.
.
35. Guys that brag about six packs should
start wearing crop top nah.
Sense…
.
36. Just becos she called u last night n said sleep like a baby my love.
Doesn’t mean you should urinate on the bed
.
37. This life is really hard and crazy
You dreamt you have a car you wake up, you have nothing…
You dreamt you have money. When you wake up, you have nothing…
But try to dream you are urinating, that’s when you know that dreams come true.
.
38. Only slim girls are qualified to say “i am taken”
If you are fat, i mean fat, let me hear you say “Ayam Carried”
.
39. In my country you will be telling somebody something and he will be replying ” …i am telling you ”
Biko who is telling who?
.
40. What is the English word you disagree with it’s spelling. Mine is *choir* is a lie Na Kwaya
.
41. Dating fat orobo girl will make you feel like you are double dating.
.
42. From today I will be
sleeping with salt under
my pillow, am tired of
eating tasteless food in
my dream
.
43. Hard guy hard guy
But when you see a mad man coming ur way with a stick, you switch to the other lane
.
44. Short boys with back pack be looking like tortoise.
.
45. Short fat boys with dread be looking like pineapple.
.
46. Thing girls with scattered hair be looking like mop.
.
47. I bought a yoghurt for the girl sitting beside me in a bus, we exchanged numbers, from the corner of my eyes i saw her save my number with ” Yoghurt man”.
I collected my yoghurt back, Nonsense!
.
48. I don’t know why i like carrying little kids, especially those holding lacasera and gala.
They always look lovely
.
49. Omalicha i am asking you for a dinner and you are telling me you have a boyfriend, is your boyfriend hungry?
.
50. One Advantage of dating a fat girl is that you can hide behind her when you see someone you are owing.
.
51. Women are the best goalkeepers, bcos no matter what you do the balls never go in
Ifyouknwyouknw
52. My Future wife is somewhere now telling her friends that she is going to marry a guy with Six packs..six packs kee you there.
.
53. All these tall girls dating short boys, I know your plan, you want to be wearing his shirts as crop top abi?
I don catch una
.
54. Those people who send mobile money to ppl by mistake…Hasn’t God revealed my account number to you?
.
55. Nigerians will be complaining “No Money…No Money”
Yet there are always a long queue at the ATM, Are they withdrawing their sins?
.
56. I hate it when girlfriends say, “don’t worry, he is just a friend’
I remember when i was just a friend too, i know what we did.
.
.
53. All these tall girls dating short boys, I know your plan, you want to be wearing his shirts as crop top abi?
I don catch una
.
54. Those people who send mobile money to ppl by mistake…Hasn’t God revealed my account number to you?
.
55. Nigerians will be complaining “No Money…No Money”
Yet there are always a long queue at the ATM, Are they withdrawing their sins?
.
56. I hate it when girlfriends say, “don’t worry, he is just a friend’
I remember when i was just a friend too, i know what we did.
.
.
57. She begged me to on my hotspot for her that she wants to check her watsapp msgs…now she is showing me a comedy skit on YouTube.
And she is expecting me to laugh
.
58. Don’t knw why some girl’s b**bs are too shy…
They are always looking down
.
59. See Nne, better put “learners sign” (L) at the back of your heels.
You can’t just be walking like a newly born baby goat in front of me
.
60. Take a look at your keyboard, there is one olodo between Y and I
It is U right?
.
61. join me let’s sing …
*Cheaters Anthem*
Some have boo but cannot cheat
Some can cheat but have no boo
We have boo and we can cheat
Glory be….complete am
.
62. I just finished watching Acrimony, dat movie dope o…it deserves an Oscars award.
I bursted into tears when Osuofia poisoned Sam loco.
.
63. Can you make four sentences each dat ends with come!?
Mine is…
I no come
She no come
Baby come
How come?
Ifyouknowyouknow
.
64. We all have that uncle who will never drop one naira when he visits
They will be like ” be a good boy, ok?”
Stingy huncle
.
65. I just saw my shoe Mender on the street today wearing the shoes I gave him to repair and
I asked him why He said they’re on road test
.
66. Wat finishes data anyhow in Nigeria is Amebor U will want to view everything they update wit ur Big eyes like Segun Arinze
.
67. Don’t Chase after it, Let it Come to You.”
Nah So Jollof Rice No Come Reach My
Hand yesterday for wedding i attended
.
68. Apart from the Sun what else rises in the morning?.
.
69. The way some female bankers explain account opening is
so sexy….hmmmmm They will be like “I will open it for you so you can put something inside. OK? Whether big or small just put something.
I have open it for you.
Actually i will love to put something inside.
.
70. Short guys with bald head be looking like “Roll on”
.
.
#Valcee
57. She begged me to on my hotspot for her that she wants to check her watsapp msgs…now she is showing me a comedy skit on YouTube.
And she is expecting me to laugh
.
58. Don’t knw why some girl’s b**bs are too shy…
They are always looking down
.
59. See Nne, better put “learners sign” (L) at the back of your heels.
You can’t just be walking like a newly born baby goat in front of me
.
60. Take a look at your keyboard, there is one olodo between Y and I
It is U right?
.
61. join me let’s sing …
*Cheaters Anthem*
Some have boo but cannot cheat
Some can cheat but have no boo
We have boo and we can cheat
Glory be….complete am
.
62. I just finished watching Acrimony, dat movie dope o…it deserves an Oscars award.
I bursted into tears when Osuofia poisoned Sam loco.
.
63. Can you make four sentences each dat ends with come!?
Mine is…
I no come
She no come
Baby come
How come?
Ifyouknowyouknow
.
64. We all have that uncle who will never drop one naira when he visits
They will be like ” be a good boy, ok?”
Stingy huncle
.
65. I just saw my shoe Mender on the street today wearing the shoes I gave him to repair and
I asked him why He said they’re on road test
.
66. Wat finishes data anyhow in Nigeria is Amebor U will want to view everything they update wit ur Big eyes like Segun Arinze
.
67. Don’t Chase after it, Let it Come to You.”
Nah So Jollof Rice No Come Reach My
Hand yesterday for wedding i attended
.
68. Apart from the Sun what else rises in the morning?.
.
69. The way some female bankers explain account opening is
so sexy….hmmmmm They will be like “I will open it for you so you can put something inside. OK? Whether big or small just put something.
I have open it for you.
Actually i will love to put something inside.
.
70. Short guys with bald head be looking like “Roll on”
.
.
#Valcee
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